Two years later and I am still trying to decide what to do with this blog. I have a few ideas, but they are still swimming around in my skull - not fully formed yet.
When dealing with the public in general and anyone I do not know very well, my demeanor is rather introverted. I am an introvert by nature, and although I can and will speak my mind when I feel the need, I prefer to remain on the quieter side in most situations. That is unless you are part of my small circle that actually gets to see what I am really like. My daughter loves, LOVES to quote me and post them on facebook. Her friends and our family get much enjoyment from reading her status updates when they include one of my random bouts of word vomit.
I played around with the idea of posting them here on the same day they were originally said, with no regard to the year. With my history of blogging, I doubt I will be able to keep up that schedule for more than a few days. I have instead decided to post them all at once, in order of most recent. I caution you - there is hardly any context because my daughter thinks it is funnier that way. It is sort of her version of "Shit my Dad Says" but I mostly make no sense whatsoever!
As a side note: Please excuse my poor grammar and comma abuse. The blog is titled "Ramblings of my Inner Child" so I don't feel the need to punctuate correctly, plus commas are cute.
Without further ado, here are some real ramblings of my inner child, posted on my daughter's FB status updates!
"Some days I just give shit less than other days"-Mom June 23, 2011
"I've got a food baby the size of Kansas. Don't touch it." -Mom June 23, 2011
Mom: "Bras, broads, brats (sausage), brats (children), sacks of cats, what?" June 19, 2011
Dad: "I was throwing all the W's away." Mom: "you were throwing all the dead babies where?" today is a delightful day June 13, 2011
Mom: "this fucking shit is all jacked up!" Dad: "this fucking shit is indeed all jacked up." June 13, 2011
Dad: "its schatenfrieda." Mom: "its awesomefrieda." June 13, 2011
Me: "did you know that Canadians drink milk out of bags?" Mom: "you know they are doing the same thing. Did you know Americans drink milk out of jugs, aye?" June 7, 2011
My mom claims our dog doesn't bark but borks. lolwut? May 29, 2011
"I didn't know there was a beard for that."-Mom May 26, 2011
The bones of a cat according to my mom: Head bone, body bone, tailbone, front leg bone, and back leg bone. Yes. 5. May 7, 2011
"Do I look like a bowling lesbian?" - Mom May 6, 2011
"I could be getting tacos for my homies, they don’t know!"-Mom April 20, 2011
"Facebook, bite my balls!"-Mom April 19, 2011
Dad: "Why is it so effing hard??" Me: "That's what she said!" Mom: "Nahaaaaa!!" April 19, 2011
So the first theory of why the tyrannosaurus rex's arms were so tiny was because they were "graspers" during sex or "rape arms" as my dad simply put it. My mom's only question was "How is he supposed to spank her??" April 14, 2011
My Dad posted this on my Mom's wall:
I love you my Grubby Camera Licker! Sincerely, your Fuckness March 26, 2011
Me: "Hey, Mom, do you know where the fake blood is? Mom: "No, Honey, I don't. Maybe the cabinet?” Dad: "I love this family." March 26, 2011
Mom: "Wanna bite of my cake noodle?" Me: "No I don't want to suck your cake noodle straw.” March 16, 2011
"I wanna go do somethin! I don't want to watch her curb stomp zombies all day"-Mom March 12, 2011
"Nothing like a grown man on a pink bike, running over zombies"-Mom March 7, 2011
"Nuns are disconcerting, especially when they are at Safeway, shopping for bananas..."-Mom February 17, 2011
"I'm not sucking on a gold fish, no matter what country I'm in."-Mom February 16, 2011
I tapped my mom's thigh to which she replied "meh meh meh" really quickly (: January 27, 2011
"He is even more adorable with his high pitched fuckbark."- Mom January 22, 2011
"I'm not eating your couch flavored cupcake, tastes like lint and pennies. and dorito bits"-mom January 15, 2011
"It’s like death's sweaty ball sack over here!"- Mom January 14, 2011
Me: “Mom what is Elmo?" Mom: “An eye sore that makes my ears bleed." Me: “Wait...what?" January 12, 2011
"Is your phone going to continue to have asthma?"-Mom December 27, 2010
So my mom just asked my dad "are you going to t-bag anyone tonight?" I was not aware this question needed to be asked... December 18, 2010
"Its my internal dialogue gone external...Its Craaaaaazzzyyyy!" mom said, complete with jazz hands. December 11, 2010
"What did you eat for dinner? Broccoli and ASS??" -My mom to the dog December 11, 2010
"Its the newest rage dontcha know? Purple neck meat!" December 7, 2010
"I'm kinda scared, I have a growling wiener on my back!"-Mom December 3, 2010
"It's like Chuck Norris dressed up like a red hot and round house kicked me in the face."-Mom November 24, 2010
My mom is, at this very moment, making my dog a blanket fort. I. Am. Not. Kidding. November 23, 2010
"Taco’s make me silly"-mom November 19, 2010
"You forgot your earl"-mom November 13, 2010
Mom: "Hey Devin...I just put an octopus in my purse" dad: “does that make it an octopurse?" November 13, 2010
· this actually happened. She DID put a real octopus in her purse. - Devin
· It wasn't 1. big or 2. alive - Me
Me: "why did she fall off the ladder?" mom: "have you met my mother?" dad: "why was she on the ladder?" mom: "have you met my father?" November 6, 2010
"Are you aware of the term cougar?" "Are you aware of the term grand cougar??" November 6, 2010
"Wet ass is wet ass"- mom November 6, 2010
"floppy wapple wiv peabnutbutters" November 6, 2010 (translation: floppy waffle with peanut butter)
"I will bite the skin off your forehead!"-Mom October 30, 2010
My mom just said something that is so bad she is threatening me not to post it... October 28, 2010
"Dino Rossi can suck my balls. I will grow balls just for him to suck!"-Mom October 24, 2010
"I'm not back sassin! I'm front sassin cause I'm the boss!!"-Mom October 9, 2010
"Can you not lick the ports please?"-Mom October 8, 2010
"My knee bone is connected to the f*** off!!" sleepy mom is funny October 6, 2010
"Back that bitch up...like a dump truck!"-Mom October 6, 2010
"I'm gonna throw a spoon at you.... when I find one cause I meant this pen..." October 6, 2010
"Don't Nebraska me!"-Mom September 29, 2010
"F*** you computer! F*** you and all your ports!!" I ♥ my mom September 26, 2010
"It's like the great potato exchange!"-Mom September 25, 2010
"How come every time I eat a carrot I get hiccups?" September 22, 2010
"Oh god, I'm gonna puke in my purse...."-mom September 17, 2010
Dad: "that bike is spray painted white with flowers in it" mom: "well maybe its getting married." September 11, 2010
"You better not be peeing in my hair!!"- Mom September 11, 2010
"So I've decided the dog is a sweatshirt dog, not a sweater dog. Sweaters are pretentious."-Mom September 10, 2010
"And some nice Micky Mouse heels..." "Ummm mom? Micky doesn’t wear heels..." "Not in public he doesn’t..."(: September 9, 2010
"Now my toe is gonna smell like tuna"-my mom said as the dog licked her foot September 3, 2010
"Owwww!! The tree shocked my ear!!"-My mom August 28, 2010
"Pigtails on a hippo does NOT make it look better"-mom August 26, 2010
"Facebook your hair."-My mom August 24, 2010
"Dog you have tuna breath. Must be all that chicken you eat..."-mom August 24, 2010
My mom is yelling "crunchy junk!!" in a sing song voice on the way home August 16, 2010
"I will grow another hand to slap you... Wait...I just pooped..."-my lovely mother August 13, 2010
"Did you just snort at him?" "No I just blew my brains out with my finger" August 6, 2010
"I don’t want your saucy pickle"-my mom to Travis August 6, 2010
"1 there is no way we can get fishnets on him" must I go on? Yes I must "and 2 we are not cross dressing our dog"- my momma August 2, 2010
"My dogs breath smells like cat hair."-My mom August 1, 2010
"De-meat those feet!!" August 1, 2010
"He is hypnotizing you with his nut sack"-my mom...again XD July 29, 2010
"*Expletive deleted* the clowns poisoned my Ginger ale" July 28, 2010
"Quit updating your facebook with ma thoughts...!" June 28, 2010
"I was too strong earlier..." my mom was talking about how tightly her pop bottle lid was June 28, 2010
"Aren’t you glad you were a baby when you were a baby?" "Well I'm sure glad I wasn't an adult!" "So am I! That woulda hurt!" June 24, 2010
He's in slowmo...no he is in realmo... June 2, 2010
They are going to have a big hack mac attack."- My mom, as usual June 2, 2010
"I don’t think your terrarium is terreing..."- my mother June 2, 2010
"I need to get out of public..." "You mean home" May 29, 2010
"Its the food baby, it makes me do evil things..." they are just coming out like word vomit May 29, 2010
"Are you going to lactate egg drop soup?" - my mom May 29, 2010
"I think I'm going to have involuntary bulimia..." "I think that’s just throwing up, mom" May 29, 2010
"It’s not the size of your lens. Its how you use it." - my momma May 29, 2010
My mom just called my ipod an itunes slut. May 22, 2010
"I'll punch you with my foot!"
"Isn't that kicking..."
"Yeah but worse. I'll curl my toes!" May 16, 2010
"I just got butter in my purse..."-my mother May 14, 2010
"If I'm going to grow a pair, I want to grow a PAIR!" May 10, 2010
"I'm intensely aware of how loud my texting is right at this moment...." April 30, 2010
"That’s not so much as kicking me as it is...toe poking me!"-Mom April 16, 2010
"It's literally your crap...well its not literally crap but its literally yours"--my mother April 5, 2010
"Why did you just make the one meat ride the other meat..." cooking is fun, with my mom anyway... March 18, 2010
According to my mother Kathleen Turner has a "ima-rape-you-in-the-dark" kind of look. March 9, 2010
"Facebook can suck my nuts"-my mother February 15, 2010
· We don’t have normal days. We have crazy days, less crazy days and Sunday.
"You got Moorcock twice today"- my mother, said to my father. February 6, 2010
"You know why dinosaurs died?" "Dry hands?" "Yes, den they shriveled up and couldn’t eat n' died." February 5, 2010
"I will break my shoe on you!!"-My mother, of course January 13, 2010
Mom: "go to bed." Devin: "go to your face." Mom: "I am at my face." January 11, 2010
"Make me some baby cheese!!"-- My mother of course January 8, 2010
My mom is the "octo mom of food babies" January 7, 2010
According to my mother out cat has, and I quote "ittle ipps"~~~say it out loud and comment as to what you think she was talking about (: January 7, 2010
"She gazelle pranced her ass into the bathroom." - my mother January 6, 2010
According to me mother "the cat is running around like she has a ghost on her face...well yeah she can’t get it off, it’s a ghost!!" December 20, 2009
My mom got a cardboard cut in her knuckle crease. Yes. She is that awesome. November 30, 2009
My mom had a dream in which she went to McDonalds with Obama and brushed dust off his suit. Apparently he was very nice, he sat in back when they went to the drive thru. November 29, 2009
My mom and my cat just had a stare down because the feline was lounging about on her papers. Mom won. October 4, 2009
And now my mother is trying to eat my elbow with a sock puppet.... September 28, 2009
: TAKE ME TO THE KITCHEN, KITTY: August 28, 2009
- Hahaha that was what my mom said she would yell at a main coon cat if she had one. And I love her too!
